Writing From My Joy
I want to shed light on what life is like on the “other side”. Right now, I want to write from my joy.
Okay. The first draft of this essay had a page long explanation of the next two sentences:
I am devotionally following the exercises set forth in an online Kabbalah study course. I engage with the lessons 5-7 days a week, often returning to re-do previous lessons 2-3x.
A recent lesson asked me to list 3 people with whom I have space… In my words, “space” is the energy that manifests from the behaviors, stories, and/or emotions that create tension or discomfort between myself and someone else/thing.
My assignment was more or less to: 1) pray for everyone on the list + send them love 2) find all the ways I am responsible for the negative “space” and ask the Creator to show me all of the ways that I can change.
I drafted my list and briefly considered my part in creating space… and then, I stalled.
I continued to pray for the 3 (plus the others that I added to my list) - but, I hadn’t made the time to sit down and really consider my part in things.
I did add “please show me how I can close the space” to my daily prayers… And last week, I received an unexpected opportunity to “close space” through a portal of my pain:
To make a long story short: I am allergic to spiders and a couple of weeks ago, I got a spider bite that quickly became inflamed. And after a week of self-treating, I succumbed to the antibiotics a doctor prescribed to me.
Less than 30 minutes after taking my dose, I was so nauseous I couldn’t see straight or move.
About an hour later, I was finally able to eat a couple of crackers and I sat at the table feeling extremely defeated. I had so many things that I had wanted to get done that day and getting sick (from something I didn’t want to take (a whole other essay)) took the wind out of my sails.
Swirling in my thoughts, I paused. In my Kabbalah One class, my teacher, David Ghiyam, taught me to pause when I am confronted with negativity and say “what a pleasure”... To fully embrace whatever happens as good.
Through Kabbalah One, David taught me that: everything is from the creator, is good, and is there to show me what to change.
So I took the spider bite, the extreme nausea, and the negative thoughts and I thanked them - and with certainty, I trusted that they were all there for my benefit… And then, I asked God what I should do next.
I am loosely following another meditation program (that is not Kabbalah related) and I got the idea to sit down with those journal prompts.
The prompts had me reflect on my childhood in various ways and through the exercise, I began to see the person who was #1 on my “space list” in a very different light.
For years (decades), I had a very specific story about that person that 1) made me resent them, 2) blocked the flow of love between us, and 3) victimized me (which I used to deflect present day responsibilities through the guise of that story).
It took me less than an hour to complete that exercise and on the other side, I felt like a radically different person. My soul felt 1000x lighter.
The best part, I was able to send a little snippet of what I wrote to that individual and we were able to share our love for one another.
Beautiful.
Kabbalah has helped me ((see/feel)) that the only time that I can turn on the light is when I’m in the dark. It is my darkness (my hardships) that expands my capacity to receive more light (love).
So yes, darkness is great because it is the space where I transform. And, I am also here to elevate my pleasure, my love, and my joy.
Marianne Williamson was recently on the To Be Magnetic podcast and she laid it down. She called us to step into our High Priestess energy and encouraged us to not be “infantilized” by our healing. I highly recommend listening to the episode (linked below).
Marianne invited us to our practices and I understand why - my practices have led me to deeper levels of pleasure, love, and joy - so “work/healing” no longer feels as painstaking as it once did... Because today, it feels necessary.
Flow. Enthusiasm. Appreciation. Connection. Reverence. Those are the vibrations that my heart desires today.
So, now, when I am casting anger, resentment, fear, judgement, and/or disdain - currents that were once my baseline - those states presently feel dangerous… And, it’s important to note, I don’t bypass those feelings. I ask to see what I need to change in order to transform… I want to transform so I can live in affinity with the Light/Creator/Universe/you add your preferred name of the Sacred One(ness).
And while I know that future “opportunities for change” will come, in the past, I have devoted a great deal of this creative space to sharing the wisdom of my perils. Now, I feel called to devote some of my creative time to expanding upon what feels good.
I want to shed light on what life is like on the “other side”. Right now, I want to write from my joy.
As I typed that, I looked out the window and realized that I am living the life I once dreamed of... Right now, I am downstairs in “my room”. For years, I envisioned a private creative space, separate from daily life, and today - I have one.
Just like I wrote many years ago, my room has: tall ceilings, hardwood floors, ample natural light, and a pop of nature… From my window, I can see the double-trunked tree and the mature birds of paradise that live in our backyard:
I have written thousands of words intimately describing my hardships and very few words detailing all of the magic in my life. I am not going to set hard parameters but, for the foreseeable future, I am going to share stories that manifest from my greatest delights. I am going to savor every ounce of beauty and pleasure and love and kindness and joy and I am going to tell you those stories.
And I am going to dream. I am going to envision the futures of my wildest fantasies - and then, I am going to show and tell you the story that manifests from me believing in the unseen.
Wow, this essay took on a life of its own. Initially, I had started reflecting on the pervasiveness of the “mental load” and the absolute poison of our negative, self-critical, judgemental-internal dialogue. But, God had other plans for us.
Nevertheless, I do want to share a couple of paragraphs from that draft:
“I am never not praying. Prayer is great.
And, my mind also never shuts up. Through meditation, I have tasted and savored the mental and physical stillness that lives beyond my overactive mind. It feels exquisite. It feels like being hugged by the God of my understanding. Within that embrace, I remember. I remember that there is a wisdom far wiser than my intellect.
Then, I forget.
I forget and the mind stuff comes back with the mental load and my self-critical lense of perfectionism and the wisest wisdom is too quiet to be heard over my loud ass self-righteous/self-loathing/know it all mind chatter.
I wrote that and sighed.”
In the vision of the futures of my wildest fantasies, I am not tweaking out in my head all day. I am not fretting. I am not worrying and overthinking and projecting and doubting and blah.
In the vision of the futures of my wildest fantasies, I am steady. I respond. I have certainty beyond logic (certainty beyond logic is a concept I learned from David in Kaballah One).
That said, a magic wand is not going to get me from mental spaz to High Priestess. So, as I chase my pleasures, I am also devoted to tenderly guiding my thoughts away from mental chaos and back to the vision. Because: thoughts become things 🕊
In the spirit of what I have shared today, here some of my present pleasures, loves, and joys:
Daily Beverages:
My daily beverages are some of the greatest conduits of my joy and pleasure. I start each day with warm water and lemon. Then, I drink an almond milk latte with honey and cinnamon (my favorite is when I have the good whipped cinnamon honey from the farmer’s market). Next up is my herbal infusion - made with my cycle + circumstances in mind - (ideally, I would drink my infusion before my latte but c’est la vie). Midday, I have a cacao: cacao, almond milk, honey, cinnamon (milk warmed in a pot on the stove then I add the ingredients and froth). At some point in the day, I have a couple of big jars of water with lemon and Celtic sea salt. And a few days a week, I drink bone broth, kombucha, and golden milk lattes.
Every night, I drink a hot herbal tea.
I drink my drinks with intention. Consciousness activates potency.
Movement:
I have shared this so many times and I will share it a million more: I love Melissa Wood Health and Nourish Move Love. Intuitively moving between pilates and functional fitness is serving me well.
Love Taps
One of my favorite things right now: Silas and I sleep in the same bed and at night, when he wakes up, he reaches around until he can feel my face and then he pats my cheeks and falls back to sleep.
Monday Nights on the Town
For scheduling reasons, Alex and I have a standing Monday date night and it’s one of my favorite nights of the week. I love going to restaurants on Mondays. Last night, we took our little boat across the bay, docked, and walked to our favorite healthy cafe, Parakeet, and then did the reverse journey. I love being on the water at dusk.
And, I am a huge advocate for casual, impromptu dates - pleasure, love, joy!
Also - shout out to some of our favorite San Diego Monday night spots: Trilogy Sanctuary, The Rose, El Pescador, Ranchos.
Other things I am loving right now:
The fourth book in the Throne of Glass series
Four Seasons on Netlfix
Homemade burritos
Spring Flowers (!!!)
The Rest and Reiki glass I guide at Sojourn Healing Collective on Fridays at 10:30AM.
My kid who feels like a kid (wait, I’m teary-eyed now) - Sloan is more person than baby and I love it and it also touches every cell.
Links to Mentioned Resources:
Marianne Williamson on the To Be Magnetic Podcast
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Sending you divine love and warm wishes,
Julia
The way I look forward to your essays!!! This one did not disappoint ❤️ thanks for sharing the links as well! You are such a gem 💎🙏🏻💕