The Only Way Out is Through

My Reiki/Theta Healing Session, Sloan’s Asthma Attack, Two Friend Break-Ups, Me as a Metamorphic House, and Vignettes Of Julia’s Past.

It’s late Sunday morning and I am sitting at my favorite ayurvedic coffee shop, Modrn Medicin, drinking a seafoam blue Pitta Latte. The same FKJ song is flowing on repeat in my ears. When I left my house - about a mile from the ocean - it was cool and cloudy. I drove 9 miles inland -  and here, it’s warm and sunny. 

Driving away from home, I felt somewhat defeated. Once again, my computer holds a collection of countless half-written essays (actually, just 2) and a Google Doc - a document I love - where I am slowly capturing vignettes - snapshots - of various times from my past. “Vignettes Of Julia’s Past” may be my favorite creative project of all time.

Seated here, I feel differently about my half-written pieces. I don’t know if it’s the atmospheric shift - my delicious drink, the music in my ears, the sunshine - but I am finding beauty in my incomplete writings. Until the literal end of time - there will never be a finished story. My writing mirrors my life - my life mirrors my writing: an amalgamation of past and present - in both beautiful and sometimes very painful ways. Stories are alive, always evolving. Just like me.

As much as I enjoy philosophizing, I also truly relish in the act of pressing “publish”. I am learning to appreciate writing for the sake of writing. And, I love to share. I’m here to share.

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In the time it took me to finish my latte and eat my cardamom cacao truffle, I decided what I am going to share today. Weaving together the two half-written pieces I wrote in April, I am going to tell the story of what I have been up to since the last time I published a story, on March 25.

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The story begins on March 28, 2023 in North Park, San Diego:

March 28th was a significant day for me. I lived a lifetime in that one single day.

The morning started at Lighthouse Salon on University Ave. I was there to receive a Reiki/Theta Healing session from Alex of Gaia Child Healing. I’ll be honest, initially,  I was a bit skeptical about going to a salon to receive energy work. But, Alex came highly recommended to me.

I had never met Alex before and that was intentional. I know a lot of great healers and I also knew that I needed someone outside of my social orbit to truly support me in the way I needed and wanted to be supported.

Within seconds of meeting her, I was immediately drawn to Alex - she held an energetic boundary in a way that made me feel safe. Her healing space was an enormous, industrial room in the back of the salon. I am spatial inept - but, I would guess the room itself was at least 800 sq ft. In spite of its size, the room was inviting. All reservations I had about receiving reiki in the back of a salon immediately faded. I instantly knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

At the start of our session, I told Alex that I was seeking energy work because I felt like I was carrying a great deal of energetic and auric sludge.

I have done a lot of therapeutic work over the last 2.5 years…

The TL;DR version: In late 2019, I was completely engulfed in severe postpartum anxiety and depression. The intensity I experienced becoming a first-time mom, at the beginning of the pandemic, while also struggling with PPA/PPD, completely broke me. My brokenness created an opening and through that space, I was able to re-work, uncover, and release a lifetime of trapped trauma and stories. I had hit a new rock bottom. And for me, it was easier to excavate the darkest parts of myself when I was already sitting in a very dark place.

Thankfully, on the other side of that deep, dark healing work, I have greater peace in my mind and heart - than maybe ever. AND, as a result of that work, I have a lot of mental, physical, and metaphysical heaviness that needs to be released.

I intuited that I needed some help clearing my fields.

My session with Alex was profound. I rested on her table for approximately 60 minutes and when she gently concluded our time, I was shocked - it truly felt like I had been laying there for 10 minutes or less. Throughout our session, I experienced reverberations of energy undulating through my body. Each time she spoke to me, her messages were exactly what I needed to hear. Energy shifted.

When I left, my soul was still floating outside of my physical form - in a good way.

Shortly after my session, I returned home to Silas and I decided to take us to the beach before we picked Sloan up from school - in an effort to re-ground myself.

Our trip to the beach was short lived - he would not stop eating the sand.

Thankfully, our beach excursion quickly brought me back to reality. Because, about an hour after I picked up Sloan, I realized that something was off with her.

We have had to take Sloan to the ER/Urgent Care for her breathing several times in the past few years and that afternoon, seated, watching TV - Sloan was wheezing and struggling to breathe.

I immediately administered her emergency inhaler and the 2 puffs she received helped a bit – but she quickly went down hill. Right before dinner, Sloan could not finish a sentence without becoming breathless. I immediately rushed her to urgent care.

When Sloan is really struggling to breathe, she gets quiet and still. It took every ounce of composure I had to drive the speed limit as I internally raced towards the Urgent Care. Every 30 seconds, I would say: “are you okay, Sloan? We’ll be there soon baby… Almost there…”

Sloan breathless leaves me breathless. In her words, “same same but different…”

When we walked into the clinic, the nurse looked at Sloan and immediately sensed that we were their first priority. We jumped the line and within minutes, she was seen by a doctor. It was my second out of body experience of the day. Internally, I was feral, panicking, crawling out of my skin… Externally, I was speaking calmly to the doctor and nurse, as I held my phone up so Sloan could watch Inside Out while she received her 8 puffs of Albuterol.

Sloan is wise beyond her years and also 3.5. She never talks about her asthma attacks after they happen - even when prompted. That night, in the Urgent Care, she was happy to watch a movie at a time that she normally isn’t allowed to watch and she was stoked on the popsicle she ate as we waited to see if her blood oxygen level improved.

Fortunately, we were able to leave and return home that night. Sloan ate a very late dinner before she snuggled up between Alex and me, in our bed. That night, I laid there sleeplessly next to her, with my hand on her back and my ear close to her mouth, listening for every single breath.

On Wednesday, almost exactly one month after our urgent care visit, Sloan will see a pediatric naturopath - in hopes of discovering what triggers her asthma attacks. The story continues, like all stories.

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Just as I was getting my feet back on the ground - and my mind and soul back in my body - I felt a cosmic pull to reach out to two friends. My friendships with these two individuals had been off - and both relationships had felt off for a long time.

In both relationships, I could sense that the distance I was experiencing was intentional - it was not a simple case of schedule misalignment. For a while, I had considered my options - do I let go and let things fade without closure? Or, do I have an intentional conversation?

I decided to be direct and reach out - because I genuinely love(d) those people and the fractures in our relationships were weighing me down. There would be no peace for me if I just let go.

I first attempted to connect with each of them by phone. I reached out with the intention of scheduling a time to meet in person - both calls were missed. I followed up with a text that more or less said - let’s please connect.

One friend responded by sending me an email detailing why they no longer wanted to be my friend. The other friend told me over the phone and through a follow up text.

Initially, I balked at sharing these experiences here - because 1) I want to protect and respect the other individuals involved and 2) my ego.

Friendships are a tender spot in my life. On January 15, I shared the following on Instagram: 

One of my deepest core wounds is an incessant lack of belonging. My default setting is to still see myself as separate.

I am fortunate to have beautiful relationships with incredible people. AND friendships have always been something I have struggled with. I envy people that have stayed close friends with people for 20-30 years - that has not been my story. My life has taken many twists and turns and either due to gentle circumstances or straight-up burning bridges, there is great distance in some of my most cherished relationships.

As of late, my experience with postpartum anxiety and depression gutted me and the landscapes of all of my relationships have greatly changed. Now that I am on the other side, I have a lot of grace for myself and for those I love. And I also have mental claw marks in the relationships that I was not ready to let go of.

I judge myself for the distance that has accumulated and the dynamics that have changed. I’m not the same globe trotting, multi-hyphenate, go-getter I was 4 years ago. Today, I am slow and simple. And who knows who I will be 4 years from now - I don’t and I’m not in any rush to meet her, either. Today, I am softly letting go of friendships that have evolved and I am allowing myself to be “left behind”.

When I spoke of the “mental claw marks”, I was referring to the two women that I reached out to a couple of weeks ago. And, for months, I thought that the distance in our relationships were “due to gentle circumstances” - my unavailability, both in time and energy - I was wrong.

I have written and deleted this next part so many times and I decided to share part of what they each said - for clarity - and because there is a lot of truth in their words:

Speaking about me, one woman said, “...That gets clouded by the constant negativity and the inability to truly listen and be there for others.”

And the other woman, referencing my relationship with Alex (my husband), said, “your alpha/dominating/criticizing way is really hard for me to be around.” 

Even though I am in a better place now, I was in a bad place for a really long time. I can imagine that I was not easy to be around.

And, as they shared this feedback with me, I wanted to defend myself and tell them that I thought that they were being unfair. I wanted to say “We haven’t hung out in months - I’m not like that anymore!!! The fog has lifted, I can feel joy again!!! I’ve changed!!!”

And, I truly wanted to say: “It takes two to tango!!!” 

But, much to my own surprise, I didn’t go above and beyond to explain myself or justify my behaviors - I honored their experiences of me and I accepted them.

And, most surprisingly, instead of airing my grievances about them - to them - I wrote them out in my journal - tore out the pages - and burned them in my fire pit. And trust me, in the past, I would have needed to let them know how and why their ways of being negatively impacted me, too. I can’t tell you how good it felt to not need to go there.

It’s very important to note that I am not saying that it was wrong of them to share their grievances with me - I more or less asked them to.

My grievances with them were not deal breakers for me. Yet, the ways in which I acted and showed up were deal breakers for them. It sucks, but I get it.

In the weeks following these conversations, I have wondered what could have happened if they would have come to me sooner and said “this doesn’t feel good” and given me an opportunity to show up differently? Maybe we still would have ended up going our separate ways? Or, maybe I could have grown and our relationship could have strengthened? Maybe we just weren’t meant to be close friends anymore and my “mental claw marks” were holding on to something that was no longer there? It’s hard to say…

After the hurt (and bitterness) wore off a bit - I sat back down with my journal and I wrote down all of my favorite memories with both friends. I wanted to walk away with a sweet taste in my mouth. I am grateful to say, nothing but love remains.

At the time this happened, I had been reading (almost everyday) a screenshot of something that a friend posted a couple of years ago: 

I see so many parallels in Davidji’s story to what I experienced with my friend “break-ups''.

The outcomes of those conversations were not “bad” - they were actually incredibly liberating. The weight of holding on was far heavier than holding the truth. The truth feels light and free.

Even though the feedback they shared was hard to receive, the ways they described me was an (un)fortunate part of who I was during that time period. As I shared before, the darkness I experienced a couple of years ago led to deep, important healing work.

Moving through that time period was UGLY and I didn’t always show up and act in ways that I would today and I still wouldn’t change it for anything. Just like Davidji’s story - sometimes “bad” things have to happen to make space for what’s to come next.

I needed to sit and dig into that darkness to release it. The only way out is through.

Sharing this story does bring up feelings of shame for me. I know that I will have a “sharing hangover” after this story goes live. AND, I believe that my truth will set me free. I want to be free.

The last part of the IG post I wrote on January 15 said:

I’m also opening space for people to welcome me as I am right now. I am calling in friends that want to hang out at my house - friends that enjoy the chaos and joy of little beings. Friends that are hungry for dinner at 5PM and who want to join me for a long walk after my kids go to bed. I am looking for friends that understand I can mostly only commit to super-in-advanced plans or incredibly last minute, stars-aligned engagements. I love books and podcasts and yoga and deep conversations. And I am welcoming people who will introduce me to things they love, too.

I have shared a lot about myself in the past and this post feels the most vulnerable because it’s my messy middle.

And I still felt called to put it out there because I am committed to shifting the narrative. My current mantra: I belong 🕊HMU if you want to join our chaos or swap books or go on walk ❤️

My offer still stands :)

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Whew. A lot to unpack in those couple of weeks there.

On the bright side, I have stayed anchored to my evening meditation practice - I’ve been meditating for at least 5 minutes every night before bed for almost a month and it’s truly life changing (duh). And, I have gone to at least 2 yoga classes a week (in a real studio!!!) for the last month. Yoga is super legit - I forgot.

It’s comical how much I’ve changed over time. For years, meditation and yoga were the bedrock of my existence and over the course of the last few years, I could barely take a mindful breath. I  have also struggled to make shapes in my postpartum body. Childbearing changed me physically and it has been hard for me to start over on my mat, as a beginner. It’s so weird, my mind knows where to go and what to do and my body is having to relearn the whats and wheres.

I fought my mind/body disconnect for years after Sloan was born but now that I’ve surrendered to it, I’ve never been more embodied on the mat. Thank goodness for obstacles. Om Gam Ganpataye Namah.

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To circle back to the beginning, the changes I have experienced in the last few years - since I started my deep therapeutic work - have been slowly arduous. During my Reiki/Theta Healing session, Alex shared something profound with me: 

She said that right now, if I was metaphorically a house, I am a house that just got done with a major remodel. I reset the foundation, repiped, put in new electrical, tore down some walls, added new additions…

The construction is done and I am currently “cleaning up” - I’m in that phase where the dust is still there and the tools are still out. And, as I had mentioned, my intention for receiving the healing was to clear away energetic debris - so this analogy resonated, deeply.

I sat with this analogy after our session and I realized that unlike a traditional remodel, I didn’t go into this metaphysical reorganization with a blueprint. But, now that I have this analogy to work with, I am being more conscientious about how I want “my new house” to be, look, and feel.

And, I am confident that this is not my first “remodel”... 

I started writing “Vignettes Of Julia’s Past” because I have lived so many wildly divergent lives in this one physical body. With each metamorphosis, I come out looking, feeling, and acting a little different. But (!!!), aspects of each iteration stay alive inside - the stories of each “Julia” never truly end…

To conclude, I am going to share the “Vignette Of Julia’s Past” that I love most right now.

This particular vignette is of 19 year old Julia. 19 year old Julia was a highschool dropout that had recently stopped drinking after blackout drinking every day for years. This vignette is a very rough draft and it’s also perfect and I am happy to share it, as is: 

Vignettes Of Julia’s Past - Spring of 2007 Edition: 

19 year old me. Working at Red Lobster - hiding in the bathroom reading handwritten prayers. Not because I wanted to drink but because living without a heavy dose of unprescribed prescription drugs and nightly drinking blackouts felt damn near impossible.

A couple of days a week, at the end of my shift, I would step outside the restaurant and light a cigarette as I raced to my car to drive 10 minutes west on E State St. I’d suck 2 Newport 100s down as I sped to my yoga class. This route took me past the hospital I was born at and as I glanced at the monstrosity, I would always wonder how my life went from there to here.  

Arriving downtown, I would park my car near the studio and quickly change into my “yoga clothes” - which meant I would take off my white button-up shirt, slide down my black flared work pants, and pull on a pair of And 1 basketball shorts.

One of the things that I love most about the Julia of Spring 2007 is the fact that she wore a white Hanes undershirt that radiated the scent of fried shrimp and stale cigarettes and oversized mens basketball shorts to yoga class without a second thought.

Every class was pure agony. Breathing felt impossible and not because of the cigarettes - more so the anxiety that gripped me to the bone and muscle. I hated to move the cold metal folding chair around my mat. I hated the long posture holds. And I’m fairly certain that I never once shut my eyes during savasana. 

In spite of my deep disdain, I was pulled back - time and time again - magnetized to the studio with the skylight in the ceiling. The skylight was my favorite part. I would try to get there early so I could place my mat right below the ceiling window. During savasana, I would watch the clouds pass by and the occasional bird that soared overhead. That was as close to surrender as I could find in those days.

At the end of class, I would mumble a thank you to the instructor and bolt out the door. Taking two steps at a time, I would dash down the stairs and spill out onto the sidewalk. After every class, I feigned for a cigarette - which I would immediately light. Cigarettes bookended my practice in 2007. 2023 yoga Julia brings a water bottle to class, 2007 yoga Julia walked in with a lighter and cigarette pack.

Space for Deeper Rumination: 

• If you were a metaphorical house - how would you describe yourself? Lived in? Falling apart? Cozy? Please comment or email me to share :)

• Reflecting on Davidji’s meditation, think of all the “bad” things in your life that actually led to a blessing or something better…

More Deep and Shallow Stuff: 

• I am loving Tiny Beautiful Things on Hulu. I also highly recommend listening to Cheryl Strayed on the goop podcast and the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.

• It’s quite obvious that I love the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. AND, their conversation with First Lady Michelle Obama is one of my absolute favorites, ever. So many great takeaways for marriage and parenting and human-ing. 

• FKJ is the artist I referenced in the opening of this story and Ylang Ylang is one of my favorite songs to write to…

• I’ve been using Kosas Lip Oil in Jaws (I actually bought it at Shop Good on March 28th, right after I got my healing session) and I love it.

• I’ve been reading slowly this month and I’m almost done with Enchantment. After all of my favorite readers recommended it, I bumped the very acclaimed Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow to the top of my list. I know I am late to the “Tomorrow” party and I am excited to join it :) Maybe I’ll start doing short book reports? What are you reading? Have you read Enchantment or Tomorrow? I’d love to hear…