Plant Something Really Beautiful
Be the lighthouse.
It’s 2:51PM on Saturday, June 21st.
I’m 90% sure I haven’t sat to write on a Saturday afternoon in 6+ years.
A couple of hours ago, both of my kids were playing at our neighbor's house. I had a vision of myself with my computer, a cup of cacao, my headphones on, downstairs in my special room - peacefully clicking away on my keyboard.
As I was preparing to sit, I got a call from Silas. He was ready to come home. Immediately, I could tell he needed a nap. After a short-lived protest, Silas and I were curled up in our bed - shades drawn, sound machine on, lovingly entangled.
After a handful of minutes, I visited one of those yoga-nidra-like places. My body was fully at rest and my consciousness was still awake.
As I laid there, I casted my gratitude for that moment into the far reaches of humanity.
Earlier that day, Silas was standing at our front door. It has been extra windy today and a gust of wind slammed the door shut as his little hand was holding onto the door frame.
At first, I thought he had gotten his hand out of the way because he didn't make a sound. Then, I realized it was one of those silent cries. Seeing his face, I immediately felt sick. ((Before you grow concerned, he is okay.)) But, initially, he was hot and sweaty from the pain. The entire experience was a lot for his little body…
Anytime my kids get hurt/sick, I think of the mothers in Gaza, Sudan, the Congo, Ukraine, Iran, Israel... Mothers that were on their way to seek refugee in the US.
It breaks my heart (and my mind) to think of a life where I wouldn’t have access to food nor care for my children. My mind and heart break knowing that millions of children are hungry and hurt at this very moment… More to come on how I plan to channel some of this pain into shared love.
It’s now 9:46PM on Monday, June 23rd and it feels as if lifetimes have passed since I last wrote. A couple of hours after I stopped writing on Saturday, I heard the news that the US bombed Iran.
I immediately cried. There is not a single argument that could ever convince me that a bomb would be the answer to any problem.
I am truly open to changing my mind on most things and deep within the core of my cells, I know that destruction will only inevitably return more destruction.
…
Before I sat down to write on Saturday, I took some notes to guide the flow of this essay. And yesterday, I almost wanted to scrap this whole piece - it feels wrong to share right now:
There are ((starving)) children. Mothers birthing babies in hospitals under attack. A government that makes my body feel unsafe - a constriction in my throat, a tightness in my chest. It feels painful.
Today though, I had a couple of nudges that motivated me to bring this essay to life. Slightly cringe to admit - they all happened on Instagram. God has to speak to me where I am - ya feel?
Albert Camus’ quote, “the only way to deal with an unfree world is to be so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
This quote sparked me this morning because it points to the contemplation that inspired this essay.
A few weeks ago, Maggie Hilpisch shared an IG reel, the overlay text read: “Everything I feel uncomfortable about is where I must go.”
And for me, reflecting on that statement, I immediately knew the uncomfortable place I must go: my true callings.
I have yet to pursue the dreams that really, truly light up my heart.. And I know that my real freedom lies in the pursuit of my dreams - irrespective of the outcomes.
I want to be free because I want everyone to be free.
I am certain that the energy behind my actions determines the outcomes of my efforts - regardless of my intention. Anger can only create more anger. Sorrow - sorrow. Fear - fear.
Freedom - freedom.
So reflecting back to Camus’ quote: I stand up to an unfree World by becoming “absolutely so free”...
((And, that is obviously easier said than done.))
The @__nitch post inspired me, but it was Chani Nicholas that moved me to write today. She shared that Tuesday, June 24th and Wednesday, June 25th are good days to plant seeds thanks to Jupiter and the new Moon. I’ll link the post below.
In the caption, Chani said: “I know the world is falling apart, times are severe (Saturn and Neptune ARE v in Aries), and everything looks dire, but we need to seed all the care, and connection, and abundance that we can.”
And I fully believe that…
I believe that the antidote to starving children and bombs falling from the sky is love. And the more love we can all channel, the faster we can all heal.
Okay, I am going to tie this all together now:
When I initially wrote the notes for this essay, I thought I was going to tell the story of how I paused the “business” side of Deeper Than Shallow for the beginning half of the Summer (while my kids are off from school/camps) - as it relates to the discomfort that lies within dismantling the patriarchal capitalist constructs that still undercover propel many of my choices.
I studied Multiculturalism in graduate school and I walked away from my gender studies classes with the idea that I needed to capitalistically achieve - outside of the home - at “the table” - to advance Women’s rights.
That idea has metaphorically caged me - blocked my freedom - for the last six years.
I love herbs. I love tea. And I have learned zero desire to grow and scale a CPG business (duh, I have never dreamed about having my own business)... And yet, I started a “business” because a lot of my other dreams are less concrete and they terrify me. And saying that I am a business owner is way easier than sharing that I am a Mom that creates spiritual offerings.
Over the last few weeks, as I have reflected on Maggie’s prompt - “everything I feel uncomfortable about is where I must go” - it has become clear that I can not continue to avoid the ideas that will not give up on me.
The World needs me free right now, and my freedom lies in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire. The same is true for you, too…
And that said, one of my first dreams is to critically research and write about modern day feminist discourse - specifically as it relates to career and Mothering.
What does it mean to be a feminist outside of capitalism? How can we invite Wild Women discourse into the lexicon of modern academic feminism?
That is my first seed.
My next one: I want to write a children’s book about God and Faith that demonstrates how all of the main World religions actually believe and practice the same core teachings… Any illustrators out there that want to collaborate on a book?
Seed Three: The Deeper Than Shallow podcast is coming to life on August 23.
Seed Four: Deeper Than Shallow teas release as seasonal drops and eventually a monthly subscription. I make a digital guide that walks you through how to source herbs + my favorite tea recipes. The Tea Shop will close when I am traveling and limited on childcare.
Seed Five: I write about the journey that led me to experiencing embodied pleasure (spoiler: the journey takes place outside of the bedroom and is actually very non-provocative). I get the ping for this all the time and it’s frightening.
Seed Six: I start a monthly non-religious, non-political, in-person Peace Circle that follows this format: a reading on peace followed by a guided metta meditation and a moment of silence. The circle would be donation-based and all donations would be split 50/50 between a local and international nonprofit dedicated to providing meals to people in need.
Seed Seven: I organize a collective that facilitates weekly/2x monthly/monthly spiritual circles. I do not want to be “in charge”, simply organize. The format would resemble a church service (it would be religiously neutral): prayer, songs, spiritual readings, a short talk, community…This idea pulls at me the most and it’s the one that feels most terrifying.
These are my seeds.
And I know, with certainty, that every person on Earth needs you to find your own seeds and plant something really beautiful. And when the terror and anger and sorrow feels unbearable, please remember that we need you to stay connected to your own peace and joy so it can multiply.
I’ll conclude with the words of St. Francis of Assisi: “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”
Be the lighthouse.
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I feel you on so many of your seeds, especially the #7 spiritual circles <3
Thanks for sharing your Jupiter seeds. Peace circle, tea, singing and children’s books…yes.