Drench Everything in Love
A very (long) story about sex, drugs, and a little ACOTAR.
Cover Photo: Rainbow Road Studios
A few nights ago, I was outside relaxing in my backyard and I saw a beautiful shooting star.
To keep this essay concise, I will save that kismet story for another time… It is important to mention the shooting star, though – witnessing that flash of light inspired me to sit down and write - with the intention of sharing - for the first time in months.
I posted my last essay in March. In that essay, I mostly wrote about not sleeping (blah) and why I had not been writing. LOL - writing about not writing is a topic I see a lot of writers writing about…
I digress.
I feel like I have said this for many years… But, 2024 was the (((most))) transformative year of my life and I grappled with when/where/how to share this past year’s events - so, I have stayed quiet. I am so grateful for my silence.
As I shared in my last essay, I weaned my son from breastfeeding in February. From late 2018 to early 2024, I was either pregnant and/or breastfeeding. My commitment to creating and sustaining life carved a deep groove in my Soul and those acts have forever changed who I am as a human, as a woman…
And, spending 5 years either pregnant and/or breastfeeding depleted me on every plane - spiritual, mental, physical, relational, emotional. Saying I was a shell of a human is a bit dramatic, but it fits.
Within weeks of weaning, I felt a new energy stirring. And, I have been using my newfound energy to move my body in ways that were not accessible during those years of sharing my life-force with my beloved children.
Today, I am the strongest I have ever been… In the beginning of 2024, I could barely do one push-up from my toes. Now, I can do 10. Physical strength, created with intention, has done wonders for me - spiritually, mentally, physically, relationally, and emotionally.
For many months, I thought weaning Silas was the catalyst for the monumental year I have experienced… Yet, I recently re-read my journal entries from late 2023 and early 2024 and my mind was blown. The beautiful, expansive life I am living today was planted by seeds I didn’t even realize I was germinating.
On the evening of December 22, 2023, I recounted my morning in my journal…
I shared how I had made “real” blueberry pancakes with flour, butter, and sugar (versus the healthy recipe I typically follow). I noted that my kids barely touched the pancakes and that I had made the pancakes “for them”...
Then, I profoundly wrote:
“What if it’s for me? What if I make the pancakes for myself? My own joy? My own appreciation?”
More to come on this… as I am currently in my “pleasure activist era” and I had no idea that this direction began to form organically, in my own kitchen, late last year.
A couple of days later, on Christmas, I wrote: “I set the table. And it made me want to do it more often.”
Currents of pleasure, decadence, beauty, joy, and fulfillment - touchstones of my present reality - were percolating before I began to intentionally create them on my own.
Before I proceed, it’s important to note the following in a direct, meaningful way:
After the birth of my daughter in 2019, I experienced life-altering postpartum anxiety and depression. Currents of pleasure, decadence, beauty, joy, and fulfillment - touchstones of my present reality - were completely absent from my life for most of 2020 and 2021.
Therapy with an unconventional therapist, exercise, and acupuncture kept me from fully drowning in despair during those first couple of postpartum years… By the time my son was born in 2022, my mental and emotional health had improved. And, I was far from the vibrant, sensual, creative creature that I am today.
At the same time that I was unknowingly being called towards pleasure, I was also taking note of the ways in which my hormones impacted my overall well-being. It was fun to look back in my journal and see myself begin to piece together how the fluctuations in my energy/mood were tied to my cycle.
Presently, I spend a majority of my free time seeking non-sexual (and sexual) pleasure and activities that promote hormonal balance. Therefore, it was so wild to re-read my journals and see those two seeds taking root without my conscious pursuance.
Pleasure is my word for 2025.
And, I would not have arrived to that word without the experiences I have refrained from sharing this past year…
Here is what I have left unsaid:
Before I weaned Silas, I had desperately hoped that he would wean himself. I kept putting off solo trips and other activities that required me to be away from him, hoping that our breastfeeding journey would find its mutually-decided ending.
After months of waiting, I realized that Silas was not going to be fully-ready to stop anytime soon. So, I continued to breastfeed for as long as I could, and on Friday, February 2nd - one month shy of his 2nd Birthday - I breastfed Silas for the last time.
A few weeks before we weaned, I ran into a woman who I had met through a mutual friend - we will refer to this woman as my mentor... My mentor offers guided psilocybin medicine ceremonies.
Prior to crossing paths with her, I had been researching and looking into psilocybin as a form of spiritual and energetic healing for many months. I had recreationally used mushrooms in my early 20s and my experiences with them were incredibly powerful and positive.
Mid-January, I had a discovery call with my mentor… After a great deal of prayer and contemplation, I placed a deposit to sit in ceremony with her and psilocybin tea on April 5th (my wedding anniversary, I love you, Alex).
During our discovery call, she shared that, for some people, it can be helpful to practice micro-dosing before a big mushroom journey. At the time, I was still breastfeeding, so I was not sure if I would have enough time for the protocol that she recommended to me (one month of micro-dosing, followed by a two week pause before the ceremony).
The day after I decided to wean, I realized that my ceremony was in 7 weeks. By the time I received my micro-doses, I had exactly 6 weeks (4 to take them, 2 to integrate the medicine) before my journey.
Divine timing.
I experienced a near immediate psychic shift once I began micro-dosing. After years of physical/mental/emotional tension and auric-heaviness, I felt expansive.
Every intention I had for my ceremony manifested through micro-dosing… Colors were more vibrant, music stirred me to move again. I experienced a sense of aliveness. Anxiety and dread were no longer center-stage. Oneness flowed. I felt Whole.
On the day of my ceremony, I felt a lot of healthy anxiety though.
It was overcast as I drove outside of San Diego proper to the rural home where my medicine ceremony was held.
I received about an hour to acclimate to the property before we sat for the ceremony. I want to keep most of that sacred day private. However, I will share this:
I have a fast metabolism and I felt the medicine almost immediately, and it was intense.
Panic was the first sensation that I experienced as my perception began to disorient (or maybe reorient) and shift. I never felt “impaired” while micro-dosing and when I entered into my ceremony, I had been completely sober, from all substances, for 6+ years.
I told my mentor I was having a panic attack, and she asked me what I needed — I told her fresh air. We made our way to the front door and I sat, with the breeze on my face, and said something along the lines of: “why did I choose this? Why didn’t I just go to the spa and take a nap.”
A very, very long story short… I ended up leaning on the experience I had birthing Silas to find ease in my body. As the panic dissipated, I sat in the same spot for hours, watching the trees and the sun and the rain that rolled in and out…
I received many visions and messages during my ceremony - and the overarching theme of the journey was: drench it in love - drench everything in love.
I also received very tangible downloads - like getting floor beds for me and my kids so we can (safely) stay horizontal all night. And, last week, 8 months later, we achieved that vision. Thank goodness.
It was also clear, in a very gentle way, that Alex needed to get a new job. Alex and I were in an alright place before my mushroom journey. But, prior to becoming “alright”, we were in a bad place - a very bad place. The - I spoke of divorce often - kind of bad.
My mushroom journey was on a Friday. I came home on a Saturday. Alex and I had the most loving, connected conversation over dinner that Saturday night… During our conversation, he also agreed that it was time for him to look for a new job. The total solar eclipse was that Monday. He was laid off the next day.
Just as my mind and heart were ravished open, we entered into a profound state of uncertainty. And we both began to thrive. Again, divine timing.
One thing that crystallized during my ceremony was a desire to reintroduce cannabis into my life.
For context, I have not consumed alcohol nor abused hard/prescription drugs since February of 2007. And, in December of 2017, I consciously made the decision to stop smoking weed. At the time, it was very necessary, and my ceremony urged me to revisit the plant.
I use the word “plant” with great intention. I work with many plants.
Prior to sitting in ceremony with psilocybin, I had been consciously befriending a handful non-psychoactive plants. At the time of my ceremony, I was enrolled in an 8-month mentorship called Earth Magick. During my Earth Magick apprenticeship, I cultivated a deep, personal relationship with herbalism.
A short story about how my relationship to non-psychoactive plants, Earth Medicines, came to be:
I follow a woman named Elizabeth Carter, on Instagram. She posts through her account Honest.Rituals. Elizabeth is a huge expander for me (well I should say, the energy I receive through her IG massively inspires me). Back in 2021, she shared a recipe for an herbal infusion. At the time, I made myself a daily cup of Traditional Medicinal Red Raspberry Leaf and Nettle Leaf Tea.
I knew my local co-op had a wide assortment of organic dried herbs, so I decided to purchase dried Nettles and turn them into an infusion, like I had seen her do…
I cannot remember why I chose Nettles (over a different herb), but I began drinking it a few days a week, and before I knew it, my body craved it.
It was almost like my body was looking for something if I didn’t drink it that day…
Slowly, I started evolving the task from a chore to a ritual. Every night, when I would make my infusion, I would say a little prayer over the herbs and would ask for the drink to nourish and hold me the next day.
Slowly, my home apothecary grew and in 2023, I enrolled in Earth Magick.
Through the guidance of my teacher, Antoinette Chirinos, I began sitting in ceremony with non-psychoactive plants - herbal infusions and warm mugs of tea. At the start of my journey, I would work with one plant at a time and I would spend hours each week sitting in meditation with my newest plant ally.
Through the practice of intentionally sitting with my tea, my relationship to my Higher Power transformed. After a lifetime of a monotheistic conception of spiritually, my Earthly plant allies helped me to expand my notion of God to a faith akin to a polytheistic ideation.
Intentionally sipping my infusions and teas helped me to feel the interconnectedness we experience here on Earth and the divine intelligence present in all things.
I feel God through plants in a way that I’ve never experienced the power of Spirit… And slowly, that has helped me to feel and experience God everywhere.
With all that said, I truly believe it was my non-psychoactive plant allies that nudged me towards psilocybin and cannabis. And while I am not presently working with psilocybin… as of late, cannabis has been a helpful ally.
After sitting with the desire to reconnect with cannabis for a couple of weeks, I smoked a joint with a friend. The TL/DR version of that story: I learned that cannabis is an important part of this chapter of my story, as long as I am very intentional with my consumption.
What does that mean?
When I consume cannabis, it’s with intention. It’s sun-grown, outdoors, in the dirt. It’s low THC, high CBD. And, I purposefully blend it with other herbs.
I typically smoke after my kids go to bed, outside, by candlelight, with a cup of tea.
I was enjoying my nightly ritual when I saw that shooting star… In the future, I will write more about cannabis as a ritual (versus habit).
Yet, I have been hesitant to share my psilocybin and cannabis use for a couple of reasons:
First and foremost, I deeply respect sobriety and I don’t think that every sober person would benefit from nor have the same experience I’ve had with these Earth Medicines.
It is SO important to note the following: I have worked alongside a licensed therapist as I have reintroduced and worked with both of these plants. If you are sober and considering plant medicines, I highly suggest finding a licensed therapist that can help you navigate plant allied recovery.
I have also been hesitant to share because we live in a conservative pocket of Southern California and my daughter is in kindergarten at our local public school. I do not want my life choices to impact how people perceive her.
And, my psilocybin and cannabis use have had profoundly positive impacts on all of our lives. High tides raise all boats.
And, I want other women to hear this next part of my story:
I must share, before typing these words, I loudly yelled at Alex because he interrupted me (and I only have a short time to write today). However, for the most part, my work with psilocybin and cannabis has completely shifted our relationship.
Today, I am less anxious and more relaxed. More relaxed physically and mentally.
And… the physical softening that cannabis creates for me has enabled us to have the best sex that we’ve ever had - even better than pre-kids sex.
Someday (soon), I will thoroughly unpack my sexual revolution. Yet, for this essay, I will simply say: working with these plants has anchored me into my body in a way that has allowed me to receive pleasure.
These days, my pleasure is at the forefront of our sexual interactions and for the first time in my entire life, every time we have sex, I have multiple full-body orgasms.
AND, it is my greatest hope for every woman to experience regular, full-body orgasms. Orgasms are essential to women’s health - this is not my opinion, it’s science.
Both hard science and social sciences celebrate the big O…
Audre Lorde, one of the greatest philosophers and activists of our time, shared the following in her canonical essay, “Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power”:
“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have often turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with its opposite, the pornographic. But pornography is a direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling. Pornography emphasizes sensation without feeling. The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honour and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves.”
In Lorde’s words, after experiencing the fullness of this depth - true erotic pleasure - I am no longer the same and I can never go back to who I once was… in all pursuits I seek to find that same internal sense of satisfaction.
I could not share this essay - nor write again in a meaningful way - without including these facts - the fact that owning my erotic power has prolifically changed me.
And while it may be risqué and embarrassing for some to read/hear - encouraging women to have regular, full-body orgasms is a soap box I will stand on a lot in the future.
And while I do not think all people would benefit from using cannabis in the same way - a conduit for activating erotic power - I do believe that we all have that latent erotic power inside of us and I am going to encourage you to find your own way to set it free.
Wow, I swear those words wrote themselves. It was almost as if I sat my hands on the keyboard and my fingers found their own way.
As I round out this very, incredibly long story, I must first say, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. Truly, thank you.
I wish everyone could feel how I feel right now — connected and held by God and the Divine wisdom and mystery as it manifests here on Earth.
And, it’s important to share that as I have expanded this past year, it’s been so far from easy…
Alex didn’t have a job for 5 months. We had 2 major water-damage situations that greatly impacted how we lived within our home. The pain of the on-going genocide that my tax dollars fund cuts deep to my core. Sloan also went through a few hard months (and my Soul felt every ounce of her pain).
And, I kept reaching for the light. I appreciated the darkness and saw it for what it is… And I kept putting one foot in front of the other, literally.
Over the Summer, I averaged 15,000 steps a day. Every morning, as soon as the first rays of sun would light the sky, I would lace up my tennis shoes or velcro my Tevas and head out on a long, meandering power walk.
I found God everywhere during those peaceful, sunrise walks.
God regularly left me life-changing spiritual books in Free Little Libraries. And I swear the flowers in my neighborhood would reach for me.
Almost everyday, I would pass by a sign that said: Life isn’t about waiting for the storms to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
And as my home was literally ripped apart and we were living on a prayer (versus a paycheck), I was reminded to keep proverbially dancing. For the first time in my life, I learned to stay soft when the outside felt hard.
So I walked and I danced and I remembered my mushroom wisdom and I kept pouring love all over it.
Now, I am here.
And while things are far from perfect, I am dancing in the rain. In December 2023, I would have never guessed how softly life would land in my body today. I would have never believed that in December of 2024, I would feel like a Goddess Warrior (I really, truly do).
And now that all of this is out in the open, I look forward to showing up as I am.
I AM. It’s a complete sentence.
In 2025, I have a lot of amazing offerings that have been born from this time of expansion: Deeper Than Shallow Spiritual Tea Blends, a podcast with a friend from my hometown, monthly in-person tea/reiki/sound circles with a divine human, and hormonal support for women.
It is also my divine commitment to share a monthly essay that includes some of my recent rituals and reflections.
Truly, thank you for being here. Happy Holidays and have a Blessed New Year.
Pouring love all over you,
Julia
More Deep and Shallow Stuff:
My creativity took on a new form this past year, blending intentional teas: Deeper Than Shallow Teas
If we have spoken this past year, there is a good chance you’ve heard me mention Nourish Move Love. Lindsey and her FREE YouTube workouts changed my body and my life. I will sing her praises forever… If you’re looking for an efficient, at-home workout, there is truly nothing better than NML: NourishMoveLove.com
Listen to Audre Lorde read Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power on YouTube.
I stumbled upon this “Tribal Focus” playlist on Spotify and I lifted my standing desk so I could shake my booty while I wrote this million word essay. Highly recommend: Tribal Focus
And, one of 2024’s biggest lessons was: never say never. I would have NEVER in a BILLION years guessed that I would be into fairy fantasy fiction. But, like millions of others, I am currently on Book 5 of the ACOTAR series. I’ll have to do an entire reflection on all the beauty and pleasure that I have received from devouring Sarah J Maas’ incredible series. So, my message to you: don’t box yourself in. Give yourself permission to explore, you never know what might land for you if you open yourself to what you’re currently calling a “no” ❤️
Such an honor to witness your process and path 🫶🏼
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼