Dear Julia
Letters to the Versions of Me 5 Years Ago and 5 Years into the Future in honor of Mother’s Day. And, a Message for Moms meditation.
A Letter to the May 6, 2020 Version of Julia Sparkman* from the May 6, 2025 Version of Julia:
(*Julia of May 6, 2020 was struggling. She was experiencing debilitating postpartum depression and anxiety. Intrusive thoughts were common and even though she told herself everything was “okay” - her body constantly felt like she was under attack. Many days, she struggled to breathe because her chest felt so tight. Every day felt like a slog and Sloan was the only thing that made her smile.)
Dearest Julia,
Oh my darling, I love you and I am so, so sorry that you are struggling.
I promise you, it gets better - better than you could ever imagine. But, first it’s going to get worse. A lot worse.
Stop trying to be okay. You’re not okay. And, soon, you’ll realize that allowing yourself to not be okay is the portal to change.
This pain, this heaviness, it will move. You’re the one that moves it - and it’s hard. It takes so much work - truthfully, it takes years. You will do the work though:
You do the work of therapy - first, 2x a week for months… then 1x a week for a year… and now, you go 2x a month. Today, your therapy focuses on your evolution instead of your despair.
You do the work of healing your diastasis recti. You learn to move in your expanded body.
You do the work of losing friendships - and through the losses, you discover how to be a friend as you navigate your life as “Mom”. First to yourself, then to others.
You do the work of deciding that you will do whatever it takes, big or small, to make your way out of the darkness that currently overwhelms you.
You are the one who saves you. You don’t give up on yourself. You try so, so hard. And then you surrender. And through deeply surrendering you make space for the light to enter. You create a loving relationship with the God of your understanding and God shows you what to do and where to go and what to say and to whom.
Right now, I know that it’s hard to believe that in 5 years you will dance, you will sing in a chorus, you will enjoy sex more than you ever have before, you will gleefully (and exclusively) read fantasy novels, and you will passionately love herbalism and share it with the World. In 5 years, you will help other people find the expansion that you created for yourself.
In 5 years, you love yourself. You trust yourself. You have a best friend that lives less than a mile away and the two of you grow together - spiritually and emotionally. As Women. As Mothers.
The best is truly yet to come. Please hold on, it gets so good.
Right now though, you are too hard on yourself. You’re so hard on your body - the way it looks, the way it moves.
And guess what, in 5 years, you won’t be worried if your belly will ever look how it used to… because it doesn’t and for the most part, you don’t care anymore.
I wish you could know that in 5 years you will be SO proud of yourself for this: You have never made a disparaging comment about your body or your looks in front of Sloan (and the internal chatter is actually quite loving, too). Sloan only knows food as joy and nourishment. Sloan only knows exercise as movement to stay strong and feel good.
The other day, Sloan noticed that your forehead wrinkles when you lift your eyebrows. She asked why someone else’s forehead doesn’t move… You tell her that when people get older, they can decide if they want to leave their foreheads how they are or if they want to stop their forehead from having lines. You say to her: “It’s so cool how everyone gets to decide what feels best for them and it’s so cool how our bests don’t have to be the same.”
I understand that you feel like you’re “failing” as a feminist right now... But, through making the decisions that align with your heart, you’re actually showing Sloan what true feminism is: empowered choice.
I promise you, in 5 years, you won’t feel the need to perform capitalism in order to feel like a feminist. In 5 years, you’ll barely ever think about what it means to make the choice to not “professionally” work. In 5 years, you will overflow with gratitude for having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I wish you could enjoy it more right now. Someday, you’ll deeply appreciate it.
In 5 years, you’ll look around your house and realize that it’s a home. You are a Homemaker.
And, most importantly, my dearest Julia, please know this:
FUCK WAKE WINDOWS. FUCK SLEEP SCHEDULES.
Sloan is not a robot. You’ll eventually learn to throw out the sleep books and to unfollow all of the IG parenting accounts. It will take you some time to trust your intuition over your intellect. Eventually, you’ll get there...
I wish I could remind you that every kid is different and someday you’ll remember all of the time you spent holding Sloan as some of the best times of your entire life. In 5 years, you’ll know not to rush the hard parts, because you’ll realize that you’ll actually miss them someday.
Julia of 5 years ago, this chapter will always be what it was - hard. And through the hardships, the most beautiful version of you will emerge. You will be so proud of her.
I love you.
Love,
Julia of May 6, 2025
A Letter to the May 6, 2030 Version of Julia Sparkman from the May 6, 2025 Version of Julia:
Dearest Future Julia,
I am going to keep this short and sweet. 5 years ago, you learned a really important lesson and I hope that you still use this as your guiding light:
No matter what’s going on - good, bad, painful, hard - drench it in love.
If you’re faced with a challenge, I hope you pause and ask yourself: How can I bring love to this?
And when things are going well, I hope you pause and ask yourself: How can I share this overflow?
I don’t have much to say because I trust that you’ll know exactly what to do. I believe in us.
Love,
Julia of May 6, 2025
So beautiful ❤️ needed that mediation more than ever🙏🏻 you have inspired me to to write my own letter 🫶🏻
What an amazing share. You’ve come a long way. Grateful to have been able to witness your journey and unfolding