Create What You Crave

For the record: life on the other side of your own bullshit is pretty incredible.

On April 12th - I remember the exact date because we celebrated Passover that night - I spent hours over-researching noise cancelling lapel microphones.

We live in Point Loma, San Diego - under the airport’s flight path.

Years ago, I figured out how to filter the airplane noises out of my podcasting/recording mic setup. And I have yet to achieve the same results with a clip-on mic.

On the 13th, I purchased a $400 microphone - hopeful that my problem was solved (spoiler alert: it wasn’t).

For reference, I had wanted a lapel microphone so I could record digital versions of the Rest classes I offer in-person… And after multiple mics and months of trying, last week, I realized that I was forcing something that’s not meant to happen (right now).

Feeling discouraged and unsure of how to move forward, I really prayed and asked to be guided to my best next step.

I sat in my morning meditation and from there, with certainty*, I knew that the only thing I was meant to do last Wednesday was finish a portion of my Kabbalah One class.

Some back story, at the end of last year, I found myself almost exclusively listening to Kabbalah related podcasts and I was called to enroll in a Kabbalah class.

On February 17, a date significant to my life (the day I stopped drinking alcohol/abusing drugs), I pressed play on my first Kabbalah class instructed by David Ghiyam.

Immediately, my entire life changed - I almost just erased that last sentence but I want to use it to clarify – my life didn’t change, I changed…My thoughts and behaviors changed.

I am not writing this essay to summarize what Kabbalah is (because I am still learning what Kabbalah is myself). Instead, I am writing to Create What I Crave - a mantra that came to me early last week:

Therefore, here is my account of how “failing” to record a perfect Rest class catalyzed profound shifts for me last week:

Kabbalah teaches me how to live in affinity with God/Creator/Light - to live in affinity with love, mercy, grace, compassion, the spirit of givingness. Like, literally, as in, my teacher gives a play-by-play of what to do when I’m triggered so I don’t react negatively.

It also teaches that we are here to repair our Tikkun - our soul correction - the aspect of ourselves that is pulling us out of alignment with God.

Jilted by my recording failure and at a loss for what to do next, last Wednesday, I sat down with a pen and paper and walked through an exercise that helped me to explore my Tikkuns - my character defects so to speak.

I typically listen to my Kabbalah classes while I am walking so when I was called to actually sit down, I paused on that class for over two weeks.

During that time, I found the Spiritually Hungry Podcast with Kabbalah teacher’s Monica and Michael Berg and I continued studying Kabbalah in “other” ways… But, as they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Last Wednesday, I was ready.

A side story: I see my therapist every other week. During our last visit, 2 weeks ago, I left with the therapeutic assignment of crafting a vision for my most expansive and abundant Self: What is she doing? What does she feel like? How does she feel? How does she act? What does she say? Where does she go? Who is she with?

And last Wednesday, when I sat down to complete my Kabbalah class exercise - by mapping out my core Desires and my strongest Tikkuns - I realized that my most expansive Self is not - regularly - reactive.

To expand my external World, I need to first transform what’s happening within… And here are two examples of how my Kabbalah practice created new paradigms for me last week:

To protect (some) of my own privacy, I will simply say that my Tikkuns are Control, Selfishness, and Unworthiness. And even though I strive for spiritual righteousness and spend ample time on personal development work, I am still reactive (most often with Alex, my husband).

On Thursday, Silas (our son) had a performance and party at his school… I went to the Wednesday performance. Alex was supposed to go to the Thursday one.

When I realized that it was 12PM (the time of the performance) and that Alex was still home - I panicked. I will be 100% honest, before I started practicing Kabbalah this is what would have happened:

My own abandonment wound would have been triggered. I would have started telling myself the story that “Alex always chooses his work over us” - which is not true.

I would have shown up to Silas’ school with victim energy (i.e: exasperated because I had to leave my work early to be here because Alex didn’t come). And then, when I saw Alex I would have been cold to him and made him feel bad for missing it.

It’s embarrassing to admit that - but it’s true. My control manifests as perfectionism and I often selfishly cast my own traumas on those I love. Alex is a good man and a good father and at times, I overreact to his behaviors because they trigger a core wound.

This is what actually happened though - thanks to what I have learned in Kabbalah:

When I realized what time it was, I panicked. Then I paused. I asked God to give me strength to act in accordance with love.

With concern, I wondered what kept Alex at his desk? Did he get the time wrong or did his call go over? With certainty, I knew that he would never intentionally miss Silas’ show.

I put on a bra and got in my car.

I showed up just as the performances ended and I hugged Silas and apologized that we missed it. He was perfectly fine. Silas and I ate lunch and we played and when Alex got there, I hugged him. I felt bad that he was flustered for putting the wrong time on his calendar. We all went home happy.

DEEP MOTHERFUCKING BREATH

The next day, on Friday afternoon, I learned that Sloan had been acting unkindly and it had impacted other kids.

Again, I have some embarrassment to admit this… nevertheless, in the past, when things were “wrong” with Sloan, I would unfairly make it about me: if I would have done something different things would “be different” type of energy. Truthfully, it’s a parenting-God complex meets victim vibe.

So, after hearing that news - before approaching Sloan - I acknowledged the part inside of me that was triggered - the part inside of me that wants to control and that wants perfection - and I met us both (Sloan and wounded Julia) with love.

On Sunday, after some intentional and loving conflict resolution with those involved, Sloan still felt stuck. So I paused, and I asked God how I could live in the light in regards to Sloan. And almost immediately, I looked at her and said:

“Why don’t you draw what’s happening?”

Sloan loves to draw. She went into her playroom, and she started drawing. And as she was drawing, she started singing about what she was drawing. Her improvised song helped me understand the situation better.

And, she literally drew out a few scenarios of what had happened at school - which allowed me to understand her behaviors better and to provide her with tangible support.

I am literally crying as I am writing this… I swear, asking God for help makes me a better parent… In the past, I would have approached Sloan with a much different energy. I would have unconsciously made it about me. Kabbalah has given me the tools to change the way I think and act. And I’ve barely scratched the surface.

It’s important for me to note this: Kabbalah is what is working for me right now. I believe there are many roads that lead to freedom. And most “schools of thought” actually teach the same things. All of the practices I am learning in Kabbalah were taught to me in the rooms of A.A., the 8 Limbs of Yoga, and all the various therapies I have undergone over the years… And for whatever reason, through studying Kabbalah, 20 years of spiritual practice and studentship is finally clicking. I am a slow burn, y’all.

I truly believe that last Wednesday, I sat down to “do the work” and the next two days, I was offered with opportunities to practice it. And as out there as it sounds - responding to Alex and Sloan - acting with love and grace and mercy - catapulted me into a new reality.

And, as I craft the vision for my most expansive and abundant Self, when I ask, “What is she doing?”

This is what she is doing - she is practicing radical responsibility** and she is humbly sharing her process. And she has evolved her teaching beyond body based practices. She is teaching what she does spiritually to inspire others to find their own spiritual paths.

So that is what I’m going to do: continue to explore and ask questions and share my journey with you. And, I am going to continually show up and invite you to go deeper than shallow. Kabbalah might not be your road... but, I promise you, life on the other side of your own bullshit is pretty incredible.

Final Thoughts:

Okay - I need to say - I have no intention of turning Deeper Than Shallow into a “Kabbalah offering”. However, moving forward, I am sure I will continue to reference it because it is a big part of my life right now.

Thank you for reading my story and using it as a tool for your own introspection. Because as I said above, life on the other side of my unconscious patterns is the freest I’ve ever felt 🕊️

*Certainty Beyond Logic: Through my study of Kabbalah I have learned to hold certainty beyond logic that everything is from the creator, is good, and is there to show me what to change.

**Radical Responsibility: A phrase that my best friend and fellow Kabbalah student, Mallory, always says… I love you, Mallory <3

And, the Kabbalah One Class I just completed: Kabbalah One instructed by David Ghiyam

Header Photo Image Credit: Chris Rov Costa