Are You Who You Want to Be?
Everything we do ripples far beyond the act and the moment.
Time is surreal.
Last Tuesday, I had written most of an essay titled, It’s Going Down for Real.
The essay explored the reckoning I experienced this holiday season as it relates to my values, my intentions, and my daily practices.
By Wednesday morning - not even 24 hours after I typed my last words - much of what I wrote felt incomplete.
To summarize a 1041 word essay in a few sentences: I felt like our holidays were akin to eating fast food everyday. We were doing the things and there was love and joy but our experiences lacked meaning and intention. All of the kids' gifts came in boxes, inside of boxes - which created so much waste (plus the wrapping paper)... And the way I showed up to gift giving - particularly giving to my kids - was so out of alignment with my environmental values…
By the end of the holiday season, I felt morally sick.
Throughout the essay, I took personal accountability for my shallow performance of “the holidays” - and, I also attributed some of the disconnect back to my lack of meaningful traditions and ritualized reverence for our Earthly and Cosmic cycles.
As I sit here today, with land that I love, ablaze - my heart wants to share different words:
Through personal experience, I know how easy it is to believe that my actions - big and small - don’t matter when I undervalue my Wholeness.
There is a lot of noise around what created these fires - was it a natural or climate disaster? Who’s to blame?
And while there is no definite answer to either of those questions, I do believe we all impact the environment. We are Nature. Every single one of my actions - or lack thereof - has a consequence - for better or worse.
And, through my personal experience, I know how easy it is for my actions to misalign with my values. When I feel less than, it’s easier for me to act less than… And this is how these sentiments relate to the fires:
Malibu, California has been a special place for me the last 9 years. My husband’s extended family has property on the coast and we have the immense privilege of regular visits.
Even though the beautiful, beachfront property feels like a second home, through these fires, I have deeply realized (and understood) that I never felt worthy of my visits to 90265.
When we first started visiting, I can remember journaling about how crazy it was that someone like me - with my past and the spaces I’ve been and the things I’ve done - has access to someplace as coveted as beachfront Malibu.
And anytime I tell people that I’m either going to Malibu or just got back, I always feel as if I need to over explain how far removed I am from the home - because I don’t feel worthy of it.
And now that so much of the coast and nearby communities are burnt to the ground, I am confronted with my connection to that land. And, I am confronted with my internal knowing that we ALL belong. Everywhere.
The Earth does not understand lines drawn by Humans.
Honoring the cycles of the Moon and the Sun - experiencing myself as a Daughter of the Earth (and Stars) - is new to me. As a kid, I did not grow up with land-based practices nor any rituals that aligned to the seasons and planetary movements.
And whether I am awake to it or not, these fires have reminded me that I am not separate from the Earth – we are all in a living conversation with Nature and she is mirroring back to us the intensity that we are offering to her.
She provides us with all of our basic needs and we are (literally) giving her garbage.
Over the holidays, I noticed how my seemingly benign acts add up… And when 8 billion of us blindly move through our daily lives with little intentional regard for the who/what/where/when/why/how of our interactions and involvements, it becomes death by 1000 paper cuts for our ultimate Mother:
Single use plastic/to-go containers. Non-regenerative meat. Fast Fashion. Over buying. The Military Industrial Complex and War. Forgetting that everything we do ripples far beyond the act and the moment.
As I was confronted with my connection to a space and place that is typically reserved for the ultra-wealthy, and I reflected on how grossly misaligned some of my daily consumptive routines are - I have realized that it’s easy to neglect the Earth when I don’t value and honor myself.
Intellectually, I know I am just as “worthy” as any property owner in Malibu. But, when I’m honest with myself, I don’t fully embody that knowing.
Part of me doesn’t believe that I am worthy of a beautiful home, placed upon a sacred, expansive coastline… And, when I devalue myself - see myself as unworthy or less than - it impacts my capacity to show up in my Wholeness.
And, the way I show up to myself (both in practice and thought) parallels how I show up to everything else.
There were a lot of ways I could have ended this essay… And, with all of the chaos and the beauty pushing against the limits of my nervous system, I felt called to share a few practices that I have committed to this year - small, everyday practices that will bring my values into alignment with my daily actions.
Since having kids, I have gotten a little sloppy with some of my consumerism and here are 7 ways that I plan to practice discipline:
After being a strict vegetarian for almost a decade, in 2017, I welcomed meat back to my diet. Since reintroducing meat, I have always sourced organic and grass fed. However, this year I am committed to only buying and consuming meat from local farms and ranches that practice both humane and regenerative farming. A lot of organic meat comes from overseas and the transportation impact of the purchase alone is a big environmental no no.
I have used Branch Basics in the past and previously, I would fall off ordering, etc. and end up back to buying single use options… So, this year, I am committed to using Branch Basics’ glass bottles and refilling them with their concentrate to lower my carbon footprint.
We are also fortunate to have a Dr. Bronner’s refill station at our local Co-Op (shout out to OB People’s Market!). Many cities have “refill” stores and we love this option for us! Highly recommend looking into refill places nearby you…
I am also switching up the brands I buy this year - I am committed to buying the option in the glass bottle even if it’s more expensive.
I don’t “do” single use coffee cups - I would (truly) rather not get a latte than get it in a to-go cup. For the record, I bring my own reusable mug. So it’s very perplexing how I get so hot and bothered over to-go coffee cups - yet, I will take to-go containers from restaurants without a second thought? This year, I am going to be super weird and bring my own to-go containers to restaurants 🙃
And wow, after kids, paper towels really became a thing and recently I started feeling true personal disgust every time I would grab one. So, to combat this, I have put the paper towels in a cabinet and I bought more reusable cleaning towels and cloth napkins.
In 2025, I am committed to not purchasing new fast fashion. I am in love with Nuuly (here’s my discount code - everyone gets one - it hooks you up, it hooks me up). Nuuly makes it easy for me to regularly shop sustainably. But for my kids, I am COMMITTED to buying second hand and from brands that are sourcing from factories with elevated environmental and humanitarian practices.
These were ideas that had solidified before the fires broke out and wow, watching a place that I love destroyed by a climate disaster definitely infused a deeper purpose to my intentions…
And, beyond my daily practices - what I really want to say to close this essay is this:
Are you who you want to be?
Are you taking the easy way out of life with consumer driven practices that destroy the earth? Are you allowing unchecked self-limiting beliefs to hold you back from being your most expansive Self?
Am I? Undoubtedly, yes.
I already hear my critics (me and a family member that truly heckles my work - no joke. Shout out to you 🤹🏼)... And, I do think my feelings of unworthiness impact how I show up in the World. And, I do believe that my small day-to-day life shifts will make a difference.
The other day, I shared this video to my IG stories:
It was a video of all my crystals outside on our picnic table. I intentionally put them out to cleanse and charge on the first full-moon of the year.
I almost didn’t do it. I almost didn’t make the time to set up that altar because I wanted to “get to work”... And that practice, that ritual, of cleansing and charging my crystals oriented me.
As the text that overlays the video says: “Now more than ever, your rituals matter. Life as an altar. Actions as prayer.”
Similar to drinking my tea, when I intentionally honor the rhythms of the Earth and the Cosmos - when I show up to my rituals - I feel held in our divine web of interconnection.
And that is my greatest wish for every Being on this planet. I wish everyone could feel the experience of being held in our divine web of interconnection.
I want to feel awake to the mystery and I want you to feel it, too.
And so far, I think that’s what 2025 is asking of us - it’s asking us to be awake. In the coming weeks and months, the powers that be want to shake things up. Now, more than ever, we need our Earth-based practices to keep us grounded.
My prayer for us all is to stay connected to love and Truth. And the only truth I know is the power of love.
And as I invite you to drop into your love - your heart space, I invite you to drop into all of your chakras. Feel your roots, feel your genitals, feel your solar plexus, feel your heart, feel your throat, feel your third eye, and feel that energy hovering right above your crown.
Be fully awake right now.
And, every day ask yourself:
Am I who I want to be?
And, every day remember:
The only person coming to save you - to save the Earth - is you.
Space for Deeper Rumination:
Reflecting on this essay, the fires, and the upcoming politic shifts - I wrote and recorded the following prayer: Who You Want Me To Be
Placing your hand on your heart while listening is highly encouraged.
More Deep and Shallow Stuff:
Two books that I turn to when I need help reconnecting with my sense of Self on this Earth:
If you’re local to San Diego, please join Lisette Archer and me for Spiritual Alchemy at Sojourn Healing Collective on February 22. Spiritual Alchemy is an evening of (re)connection to the Self through the wisdom shared by the planetary body Venus, the sacred plant medicines Damiana + Rose, Reiki, and Sound Healing. More information can be found here.
I just finished Season 9 of Queer Eye and I loved each episode. I was a big Bobby fan so I was skeptical of Jeremiah joining the cast - but, Jeremiahs’s emotionality made the season for me. Highly recommend Queer Eye if you need some love and lightheartedness.
For the last week or so, I have practiced one of Kia Miller’s 15-minute Kundalini offerings on Glo Yoga and the practices are exactly what I need to both energize and ground. Thanks, Kia.