A Big, Important Part of My Story
Reflections on extended breastfeeding and the beauty of life as a stay at home mom.
A couple of weeks ago, it was World Breastfeeding Week and I saw all of the posts on IG and felt compelled to share something and realized I had a lot to say, so instead, I said nothing.
Breastfeeding has consumed my life for the last four years. My daughter turns 4 on August 29th and aside from the 2 months between the day I weaned her and the day Silas was born, I have been breastfeeding that whole time.
Physically, breastfeeding has been relatively easy for me. Both of my kids latched immediately and I never experienced any physical pain or cracking or bleeding. My supply has always been either abundant or steady. In those regards, we have been incredibly blessed.
Yet, mentally and emotionally, at times, I have made myself somewhat of a breastfeeding martyr.
Sloan never took a bottle. Truly, not even a single drop. And we tried everything - aside from the “starvation” approach. So many people told me to leave for an extended period of time so her hunger would drive her to the bottle. The starvation method was hard NO for me. And, I also understand why people either want to or need to take that approach in order to get their baby to bottle feed.
Since the “starve her out” approach was off the table for us, I breastfed her on demand, every single day, for the first 2 years and 4 months of her life (2 years, 4 months, and 2 days to be exact - but who’s counting?)... All that breastfeeding time meant that Sloan and I were never apart for more than 5 hours until the day Silas was born (when she was 2.5 years old).
I was certain Silas would take a bottle - how could I have 2 kids that refused it? He drank a few ounces, one time, and then just like his sister, he never did again. We quickly gave up because, for me, the act of pumping and trying to bottle feed was harder -physically, mentally, emotionally - than breastfeeding.
Before I move on, I must first say, I stay at home with my kids. I had the luxury of not truly worrying about either of them taking a bottle. It is/was a privilege that I am acutely aware of.
And, my life radically changed since my body needed to be constantly and readily available to them. Or, better phrased - since I made the choice to have my body constantly and readily available to them.
At first, I pitied myself over the limitations our breastfeeding relationship imposed on my life - especially at the beginning of my journey breastfeeding with Sloan. My availability to attend events or meet up with friends was limited - since I needed to be around for nap-time and bedtime feeds. I more or less took myself out of the flow of life to be present for breastfeeding.
Even though the choice to breastfeed - and extendedly breastfeed - was my choice, there was a lot of wallowing and self-pity on my part. Yet, I realize now, in hindsight, that I hid behind breastfeeding - somewhat consciously and more often, unconsciously - for a long time.
As I have shared before, I struggled for the first couple of years of Sloan’s life. Normal day-to-day life overwhelmed me and socializing felt nearly impossible. So, instead of being honest about where I was at, I would decline invitations or not seek out engagements because “I needed to be home to feed Sloan.”
By the time Silas was born, I was awake to the fact that I used breastfeeding as a societal and social shield. Since he didn’t take a bottle, I was tied to him for the first year of his life. But, I didn’t martyr myself over it.
I thought I was going to wean him shortly after his first birthday - as I am ready to have bodily autonomy. Yet, here we are, almost 1.5 years in and we are both still going strong.
I felt compelled to share this story for a couple of reasons. Firstly, whenever I have lamented about wanting to wean but not being ready to stop - what I am most often met with is “just stop now, they don’t ‘need it’ anymore ”.
And before I continue, I need to say this: everyone’s journey with breastfeeding is wildly different and I wholeheartedly believe that fed is best. Personally, I believe that whatever is best for mom is what’s best for baby… And, if breastfeeding didn’t work for you or it did and you wanted to stop - for whatever reason - upholding the sanctity of your mental, emotional, and physical well-being is what your baby needs most. Full stop.
With that said, I am ready to stop breastfeeding and I’m not ready to stop. The breastfeeding dyad is an incredibly nuanced relationship. It’s physical and emotional - for both mom and child. For me, it’s been an inarticulable spiritual experience. I know my days of breastfeeding are numbered and I know we will know when it’s time for us to end. I’m in a rush for it to be over and I am also taking it slow. These dynamics fall outside of the black-and-white binary - there is a lot of gray area in this experience.
I encourage you to support the breastfeeding women in your life with a tender grace. Even though you may not understand, we may not need you to understand – we just need your advocacy, solidarity, and patiences… So we can breastfeed for as long or short as it makes sense for us and our babies.
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I also wanted to share a bit about how being a breastfeeding mom has shaped and changed me as a human.
Before Silas was born, I was on the Motherscope podcast and I told my story, verily in depth, there. Jackie and I discussed how I went from an overzealous, overscheduled go-getter to a homebody. Feel free to listen to my conversation with Jackie here.
During our conversation, I shared the many factors that contributed to my reclusiveness. While intrusive thoughts coupled with postpartum depression and anxiety fueled my desire to shelter in place (months before the pandemic began), breastfeeding played into my isolation. It was tough for me to constantly whip my boobs out. Sloan LIVED at the boob for the first year of her life. It was easier for me to live topless at home.
That said, for a long time, I saw the act of breastfeeding as weight, tying me down and holding me back. Today, that is far from the breastfeeding story that I share.
Today, breastfeeding is my anchor. An anchor I’ve so desperately needed, forever.
The act of breastfeeding asked me to change the speed of my existence. I had always wanted to be a present, in the trenches, on the ground type of mom. Yet, I didn’t realize what that type of mothering would require of me. The immersive experience of full-time mothering is slow. It’s tedious. And, it is grounding. It’s humbling. And it is teaching me that everything I seek is already here.
A majority of my life, I needed the thrills and frills and adventure to feel alive. And, I needed those thrills and frills to distract me from the anxiety, grief, and pain I buried deep in my bones.
Through reorienting my pace, I have come to realize that there is nothing I need to do or see to feel alive and to be okay. And, it gave me the time and space to work through the drama and trauma that was propelling me to live in a constant state of fight or flight.
Today, I am far from perfect. But I am here. All of me is here. And in the moments when I disembody or mentally run forwards or backwards, I am instantly and acutely aware of it.
For me, that is the gift of breastfeeding - all of me is here. As cliché as it sounds, the present is a gift.
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When I sat down to write this essay, what I most felt called to share is this:
Initially, I saw this period of my life as a “pause”. The “mom pause” is often spoken of.
And, as I reflected, I started to ask the question: A pause from what? My career? Even before I became a mom, I never fell in-line with the patriarchal + capitalistic notions of work and success.
As a stay at home mom with a partner that makes enough money to support our family, I 100% benefit from the constructs of capitalism and patriarchy. Yet, we are not blindly moving through life in traditional genders roles. We are simply riding the coattails of an outdated structure that happens to work for us - right now.
I have shared - at great lengths - how challenging it was for me to unwind the feminist narrative I had created for myself. For a long time, I thought that being a stay at home mom was the antithesis to feminism. Early on, I wrote:
“Since college, I had believed that homemaking was the antithesis of feminism. Consequently, I entered motherhood with STRONG feminist beliefs and ZERO homemaking skills. After Sloan was born, I made the decision to be a stay at home mom - until my babes are in school. Therefore, I enormously wrestled with MY decision to stay home and I STRUGGLED with the domestic responsibilities of being a SAHM.”
For months and months, doing dishes and laundry and cooking and cleaning felt like a personal affront. And, the long, slow days of floor play felt excruciating - compared to the hustle and bustle of my previous schedule.
Early on, I did feel like the homemaking and the hours and hours I spent caretaking were a pause - something I was doing until I felt comfortable sending my children off to be cared for by someone else.
Then, slowly, I realized I had not “paused” my life - homemaking and caretaking is my life. It is what I am actively choosing to do. And from there, everything changed.
Up until recently, I would say things like “if I worked, more than half of my salary would go to childcare…so I’m going to wait until they are older and in full-time school to get a job”
And while that is very true - a lot of my salary would go to childcare - that’s not why I am choosing to stay at home. I’m not working because I don’t want to. More often than not, I enjoy my day-to-day. It’s not glamorous or high-powered but it's so rich and full.
It took me a while to arrive at the feelings of richness and fullness, though. I have visceral memories of a morning before Sloan’s 2nd birthday. We were at her outdoor music class (covid times) and I was dancing silly, trying to engage her, as she walked away from the class.
As she made her way towards the sidewalk, three women dressed in business clothes approached her. I was decked out in full-on mom gear (yoga pants, t-shirt, tevas). I judged myself so hard. I saw myself and what I was doing with my time as less than what they were doing…
I don’t feel that way anymore. I am unbelievably grateful that I get to have this time at home - by choice.
I frequently see other women share about how they are grateful that they get to show their children that anything is possible for women. And, I am also grateful that there are women making the choice to work outside of the home so my kids can see that anything is possible for women - at any stage, too.
I am choosing to be a Full-Time Mom. It’s not a pause - it’s a big, important part of my story.
And, since I don’t have to balance working outside of the home with mothering, I get to show my children what it looks like to pursue my passions - and, this is only possible because I have the privilege of resources and time.
Right now, I’m learning to play the harmonium. I am enrolled in the Prison Yoga Project Facilitator Training. I teach a Yin and Yoga Nidra class once a week. My kids watch me devour books, prioritize luxurious long walks, and write - both at the computer and in my journal. My life does not wholly revolve around homemaking/caretaking anymore - I have re-entered the flow of life, in my own way.
I will most likely work outside of the home again. I don’t know what I’ll do or when I’ll do it. But, I do know that right now, I’m doing this. I’m not on a pause - I am actively living my life with purpose and intention.
I believe that choice is the next wave of feminism.
To conclude, on Mother’s Day of 2023, I received the greatest gift. Sloan came home with one of those “All About My Mom” sheets from school. On the line that said, My mom is really good at _________.
Sloan wrote, “My mom is really good at writing.”
Thanks, Sloan.
Space for Deeper Rumination:
What are you really good at?
What choices are you making right now?
More Deep and Shallow Stuff:
Since I last wrote, I have read Remarkably Bright Creatures, The Nightingale, and The Many Lives of Mama Love and they are some of my favorite books of all time now!
Personally, I got a lot of giggles watching Platonic on AppleTV.
I am currently listening to Tiny Beautiful Things on Audible… I read it years ago and Cheryl Strayed speaking it to me feels like medicine. It frequently has me calling Sloan, “Sweet Pea”.
I spent an hour at the Georgia O’Keeffe exhibit last month and I am currently staring at a postcard of this painting: Pelvis IV. I love her.